Monologue Yuks

Here are some of my favorite monologue jokes I wrote for a writing packet. Do you like topical jokes from six months ago? You do? Great! Enjoy!

  • Federal agents in Mexico disarmed over 1,200 police officers accused of gang ties to local cartels. Authorities said they first became suspicious at the annual Police Ball, when all 1,200 cops started doing the Crip Walk.
  • This year, for the first time ever, the Westminster Dog Show will allow mixed breed canine competitors. When asked why, organizers stated that “The people demanded it; just look at the decreased popularity of Dog Incest Magazine.”
  • Oil-rich Venezuela announced plans to stop subsidizing gasoline for its citizens. Prices at the pump are expected to rise from 6 cents to a whopping 17 cents a gallon. Financial analysts predict this could cause the loss of over 5,000 jobs in the Venezuelan Monster Truck industry.
  • In response to the latest internet craze, students at a Rhode Island school were warned that crushing up and snorting Smarties candy may cause maggot infestations in their nostrils. See kids, this is why you always ingest Smarties candies rectally.
  • Crowds gathered before dawn at the National Zoo in anticipation of seeing Panda Cub Bao Bao for the first time. The 5-month-old bear slept through much of her debut, making it the most do-nothing debut in Washington D.C. since the start of the 113th Congress.
  • A Colorado airport is providing “amnesty” boxes for travelers who need to ditch their pot before boarding out of state flights. Officials say they’re going to take the unwanted marijuana donations and use it to open the world’s most popular second hand store.
  • A recent study concluded that watching MTV’s 16 and Pregnant leads to a 5.7% reduction in teen births. Here’s hoping a study is released proving that watching Jersey Shore reduces the number of tanned muscular guys who want to be DJ’s.
  • A home for sale in northeastern Pennsylvania is being advertised as “slightly haunted.” The house is haunted Monday through Thursday but on the weekends the evil ghost children haunt with their dad.
  • Residents in Florida are collecting petition signatures in order to become the first southern state to approve the use of medical marijuana. One Floridian said that she signed the petition so that, “maybe now we’ll get the grand kids to come visit.”
  • China Mobile, China’s largest wireless provider, is set to begin selling Apple’s iPhone to millions of customers nationwide. Experts are forecasting an additional 170 million people will now be stuck on level 33 of candy crush.

Spring is in the air.

It’s like waking up from a long sleep. Humans don’t hibernate but as my body soaks in the first warm rays of spring sunlight it feels as if I’ve been asleep this whole time. Loins stir, wombs ache and I’m reminded I need new sunglasses.

It’s spring.

I react exactly how I imagine the wino on my street also reacted to spring’s opening salvo; “I survived winter. Time to get drunk.”

Optimism I haven’t felt since October returns to my brain and endorphins flood my neural passages (is that how it works?). Yay! Happy! Happy! Hap-py.

The unrelenting brightness inside my mind subsides. I was a happy child and I yearn to regain the ease at which I was able to channel joy and contentment during my youth. But the realities of the world creep into my mind as finances and career and insecurities and ever-looming death begin to grip me tighter and tighter.

I will fight it. I will ignore the internet (you know, after I post this). I will live in the moment. I will confront my problems head on. I will work hard and enjoy this life and be thankful for all I’ve been granted. I will hope. It’s spring. Improving slowly but surely

Hello internet neighbors!

I live in New York now and am just crushing the big apple. Core and all. Whole thing right down the gullet. Things are in the works both in the cyber realm and this thing we call reality.

That means I’m working on the site so check back for content and, dare I say, improved aesthetics!

Because you’ve all been ever so patient with me here’s a stand-up set:

Keep your head up, but mostly down

I recently wrote this for the Comedy of Chicago blog:

I’ve been doing this a little while now but it seems like just yesterday I was being ignored at the Mix open mic by the stars of today. I’ve watched the Chicago comedy scene grow and flourish. I’ve been proud and I’ve been jealous and I’ve succeeded and failed and wondered why I do this and wondered how could anyone do anything else.

To me, there is no turning back because there isn’t any other option. For better or worse stand-up comedy is embedded in me like the ingrown hairs around my pubis. I don’t hate anyone who quits but I do not understand them. It’s all I want to do in life and I love everyone who loves it like I do, even you shitheads. Especially you shitheads. I wish I made more money doing it sure, but only to support my family, quit my day job and to better explain why I do it to my father.

I get booked some places, other places not so much. I don’t know what they think of me, I mean, I want their approval because getting people to like me is one of the sick reasons I perform. But in the end it doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to stop. Nothing will stop me except a bus or a bullet or a coronary (most likely a coronary). All I hope is that I record my album by then.

My advice to you, if I know anything at all, is to keep going. You may find early “success” and it may take you 20 years. Work hard. Don’t quit. Write more. Perform more. Hug a hater. Keep your head up. Keep your head down. And enjoy it, because it’s the greatest goddamn thing I’ve ever experienced.

Celebration Savings Surplus Forces Premature Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade

I wrote an article for the The Whiskey Journal:


Celebration Savings Surplus Forces Premature Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade

Cleveland, Ohio – City officials announced today that a Super Bowl champions parade will be held for the Cleveland Browns on November 15th, 2012.  Cleveland’s director of finance Sharon Dumas explains, “The city of Cleveland has been putting aside funds for a championship celebration every year since 1964.  After 48 years the money set aside plus interest has come to total well over a million dollars and the city council approached me citing a clause that if we didn’t spend the money on some sort of spectacle this cash would be reallocated to city schools.  That’s when I approached the mayor about this sizable nest egg and we came up with the idea for a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl champion’s parade.”

Mayor Frank Jackson publicized the event during a press conference as he proclaimed, “We all remember The Drive, The Shot, The Decision, losing two World Series one of which was when we were two outs away from victory.  We’re starting a new winning tradition here in Cleveland on November 15th, with our Super Bowl champion’s parade.”  When questioned on how the mayor’s office chose which sports team would be the focus of the gala he explained, “The Browns have already won two whole games this season, making them the most deserving and successful Cleveland sports franchise.”

The parade will begin at 11a.m. in the Playhouse Square district as the procession will make its way through Public Square, past the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and end at the gates of Cleveland Browns Stadium.  There the Browns players, fans and celebrity guests will congregate to celebrate their virtual victory and be presented with a holographic Vince Lombardi Trophy presented by none other than holographic Tupac Shakur.

New Brown’s owner Jimmy Haslam is looking forward to the event citing, “It’ll get our players excited to win and to strive to hold the real Vince Lombardi Trophy presented by the real Tupac Shakur.”

Clevelanders are already gearing up for the upcoming hullabaloo.  99-year old Beatrice McGinty says she, “Can barely keep my soup down I’m so eager.  I always thought a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl parade would be celebrated atop my grave.”  Young residents are also enthusiastic, with 24-year old Bill Moreland adding, “Well, I am curious to see what a championship celebration looks like.”

Attendees of the Cleveland Browns Super Bowl champion’s parade are urged to dress warmly and to enjoy it, because it may not happen again.


Follow me on Twitter.