Drinking with coworkers: An (ab)users

Planning on having a couple cold ones with the men and women who toil beside you in cubicle-shaped trenches?

Good for you! Nothing numbs the brain to the monotonous toil of modern American work life like a frothy libation.

But beware – too many of those tasty bevs could land you in hot water.

Follow these tips to successfully drink your way to oblivion!

1.) Know your surroundings

Are you imbibing at the office, the local Chili’s or a BYOB strip club? Is the boss around? These factors will greatly dictate your behavior. The general rule is, the closer your proximity to the office and the boss, the more you should tone it down.

If you’re at the office and sipping whiskey from a paper cup, loosen that tie and kick back – but not too much. While you remain within the confines of the building you must keep some measure of decorum and adhere to the moral norms society has dictated. Keep the partying levels around 25% of your total rollicking capacity.

On the other end of the spectrum, let’s say you’re helping your boss vomit out a car window while speeding down the highway on your way to Mexico. Don’t just loosen your tie, wrap that cravat round your noggin and really let ‘er rip! There’s no better team building then getting soused with coworkers, arrested in the city formerly known as Tenochtitlan, and needing a border coyote to illegally guide you back to U.S. soil. Also be sure to snap a few photos so you have leverage next time you’re negotiating a raise.

2.) Know how much to drink

Now that you’ve gauged the surroundings it’s time to interact with your coworkers, who are social misfits God never intended to bring together. Todd chews too loud, Jenny is a bore; you don’t remember that one guy’s name only that he plays bass guitar. This will be awkward as hell, right? Wrong – alcohol is here to save the day!

The drunker you become the less awkward the work function; however, there is a limit. When you’ve got a healthy buzz going (between 2-5 drinks depending on weight, tolerance and food consumption) congratulate yourself, for you have reached the minimal awkwardness level (see chart).

drunk v awkward

Stay vigilant though, because lurking just after that sweet spot is the path back to maximum awkwardness of the sloppiest proportions. Get too inebriated and you’ll be labeled the office drunk and placed atop the naughty list on the next round of downsizing. Red flags that you’re too drunk and are returning to ultimate awkwardness: slurring your words, spilling a drink, or relieving yourself in the CEO’s office.

There is one exception to getting too drunk. As you can see on the chart below there is a way to get blackout drunk with little to no consequences – get all your coworkers, and your boss if he or she is present, to get shit-canned alongside you.

drunk v awkward 2

Play the heavy-handed bartender, pour shots and instigate drinking games. Throw out the tray of hummus and pitas and any other alcohol-soaking foodstuff you see. Once the whole staff is inebriated, let your liquored-up reign of terror begin.

3.) The aftermath

Oh the hangover. You’re paying for the sins of the night before and the only thing that can make you feel better is the sweet release of death. After throwing up the burrito you worked so hard to eat the previous evening, you shower and limp your way out of the apartment hours late for work.

Here’s my #1 tip of all time. If you’re late, bring donuts (or edibles of equal or greater deliciousness). I have never once been called out for being late, even when hours tardy, when I stroll in with a box of donuts. And since your coworkers are also hungover, you’ll not only avoid a reprimand, you’ll receive a hero’s welcome like you’re returning home from a war you single-handedly won.

My most popular YouTube video ever

Before I was an unfamous comedian in New York, I was an unfamous new comic in Chicago.

I worked at a call center selling radio ads to business owners. I know, it’s amazing the riches and glory and women that come with telemarketing did not dissuade me from my true career calling.

Anyways, one of my co-workers drank pee for $22 and I happened to have my video camera on me so I was able to capture this moment, which is now my most popular YouTube video to date. Yes this is real. Yes this man is very, very gross.

Monologue Yuks

Here are some of my favorite monologue jokes I wrote for a writing packet. Do you like topical jokes from six months ago? You do? Great! Enjoy!

  • Federal agents in Mexico disarmed over 1,200 police officers accused of gang ties to local cartels. Authorities said they first became suspicious at the annual Police Ball, when all 1,200 cops started doing the Crip Walk.
  • This year, for the first time ever, the Westminster Dog Show will allow mixed breed canine competitors. When asked why, organizers stated that “The people demanded it; just look at the decreased popularity of Dog Incest Magazine.”
  • Oil-rich Venezuela announced plans to stop subsidizing gasoline for its citizens. Prices at the pump are expected to rise from 6 cents to a whopping 17 cents a gallon. Financial analysts predict this could cause the loss of over 5,000 jobs in the Venezuelan Monster Truck industry.
  • In response to the latest internet craze, students at a Rhode Island school were warned that crushing up and snorting Smarties candy may cause maggot infestations in their nostrils. See kids, this is why you always ingest Smarties candies rectally.
  • Crowds gathered before dawn at the National Zoo in anticipation of seeing Panda Cub Bao Bao for the first time. The 5-month-old bear slept through much of her debut, making it the most do-nothing debut in Washington D.C. since the start of the 113th Congress.
  • A Colorado airport is providing “amnesty” boxes for travelers who need to ditch their pot before boarding out of state flights. Officials say they’re going to take the unwanted marijuana donations and use it to open the world’s most popular second hand store.
  • A recent study concluded that watching MTV’s 16 and Pregnant leads to a 5.7% reduction in teen births. Here’s hoping a study is released proving that watching Jersey Shore reduces the number of tanned muscular guys who want to be DJ’s.
  • A home for sale in northeastern Pennsylvania is being advertised as “slightly haunted.” The house is haunted Monday through Thursday but on the weekends the evil ghost children haunt with their dad.
  • Residents in Florida are collecting petition signatures in order to become the first southern state to approve the use of medical marijuana. One Floridian said that she signed the petition so that, “maybe now we’ll get the grand kids to come visit.”
  • China Mobile, China’s largest wireless provider, is set to begin selling Apple’s iPhone to millions of customers nationwide. Experts are forecasting an additional 170 million people will now be stuck on level 33 of candy crush.

Spring is in the air.

It’s like waking up from a long sleep. Humans don’t hibernate but as my body soaks in the first warm rays of spring sunlight it feels as if I’ve been asleep this whole time. Loins stir, wombs ache and I’m reminded I need new sunglasses.

It’s spring.

I react exactly how I imagine the wino on my street also reacted to spring’s opening salvo; “I survived winter. Time to get drunk.”

Optimism I haven’t felt since October returns to my brain and endorphins flood my neural passages (is that how it works?). Yay! Happy! Happy! Hap-py.

The unrelenting brightness inside my mind subsides. I was a happy child and I yearn to regain the ease at which I was able to channel joy and contentment during my youth. But the realities of the world creep into my mind as finances and career and insecurities and ever-looming death begin to grip me tighter and tighter.

I will fight it. I will ignore the internet (you know, after I post this). I will live in the moment. I will confront my problems head on. I will work hard and enjoy this life and be thankful for all I’ve been granted. I will hope. It’s spring.