Celebration Savings Surplus Forces Premature Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade

I wrote an article for the The Whiskey Journal:

 

Celebration Savings Surplus Forces Premature Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade

Cleveland, Ohio – City officials announced today that a Super Bowl champions parade will be held for the Cleveland Browns on November 15th, 2012.  Cleveland’s director of finance Sharon Dumas explains, “The city of Cleveland has been putting aside funds for a championship celebration every year since 1964.  After 48 years the money set aside plus interest has come to total well over a million dollars and the city council approached me citing a clause that if we didn’t spend the money on some sort of spectacle this cash would be reallocated to city schools.  That’s when I approached the mayor about this sizable nest egg and we came up with the idea for a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl champion’s parade.”

Mayor Frank Jackson publicized the event during a press conference as he proclaimed, “We all remember The Drive, The Shot, The Decision, losing two World Series one of which was when we were two outs away from victory.  We’re starting a new winning tradition here in Cleveland on November 15th, with our Super Bowl champion’s parade.”  When questioned on how the mayor’s office chose which sports team would be the focus of the gala he explained, “The Browns have already won two whole games this season, making them the most deserving and successful Cleveland sports franchise.”

The parade will begin at 11a.m. in the Playhouse Square district as the procession will make its way through Public Square, past the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and end at the gates of Cleveland Browns Stadium.  There the Browns players, fans and celebrity guests will congregate to celebrate their virtual victory and be presented with a holographic Vince Lombardi Trophy presented by none other than holographic Tupac Shakur.

New Brown’s owner Jimmy Haslam is looking forward to the event citing, “It’ll get our players excited to win and to strive to hold the real Vince Lombardi Trophy presented by the real Tupac Shakur.”

Clevelanders are already gearing up for the upcoming hullabaloo.  99-year old Beatrice McGinty says she, “Can barely keep my soup down I’m so eager.  I always thought a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl parade would be celebrated atop my grave.”  Young residents are also enthusiastic, with 24-year old Bill Moreland adding, “Well, I am curious to see what a championship celebration looks like.”

Attendees of the Cleveland Browns Super Bowl champion’s parade are urged to dress warmly and to enjoy it, because it may not happen again.

 

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Rocking the Double Glasses

I’ve been receiving a lot of compliments lately and it seems like it always ends with everyone asking, “Mike, how do you pull of wearing double glasses so gosh darn well?” (See below).  As you can ascertain the double glasses are sported by donning a pair of sunglasses that are worn over corrective lenses.

 

While I admit I rock the double glasses like an all-time great, I must pay homage to my double glasses rocking forefathers. 

First I must give a shout-out to the original double glasses rocker, Benjamin Franklin. 

Franklin pioneered advances in electricity, discovered Atlantic Ocean circulation patterns, wrote “Poor Richard’s Almanac,” was a master diplomat and scientist and is one of the most important Founding Fathers of America.  But 99% of scholars will agree in a cacophony of “Hear, hear!” that his most famous and influential contribution to humanity was the invention of the double glasses, or as he called them “bifocals.” 

Franklin’s dual spectacles are credited with giving him the confidence, wisdom and influence to pull the crowning head of our fledgling country from the birth canal of democracy.  Ben Franklin had such a powerful aura when he rocked the double glasses that French king Louis XVI appointed him on a commission to investigate “animal magnetism.”

With the passing of Mr. Franklin in 1790 advances in wearing twin eye covers dwindled.  It wasn’t until the mid-twentieth century that double glasses resurfaced.

The “Greatest Generation” is a term that was borrowed by journalist Tom Brokaw to describe the generation who grew up in the U.S. during the Great Depression and then went on to fight World War II; but the term was actually originally coined to describe the generation that brought back the double shades.

 

It was during the tenure of this brave generation where the double glasses re-emerged from their respective Dark Age and returned to prominence.

Then in 1987 the double shades reached their Golden Age with premiere of the television show A Different World and a little character called Dwayne Wayne. 

Dwayne Wayne, played by Kadeem Hardison on TV’s A Different World, redefined the very idea of “cool” and forever re-forged the notion of the double glasses into an indestructible metal substance of dope-ness.

It is in this proud tradition and spirit that I wear the double-glasses today.

I believe that the spirits of my dos spec-wearing ancestors follow me and give me strength.  I appease to these life-forces by lighting a daily candle in a shrine to my forerunners and dressing up as Dwayne Wayne in the annual Festival Des Deux Verres (Festival of the Two Glasses) held every year in the French countryside.

If you feel inclined to be passed the torch in the never ending pre-Olympic ceremony of wearing multiple layers of eye wear I will gladly hand you that burning rod.  Just promise me you’ll hold it confident and hold it high and we’ll meet again in the Halls of Valhalla where all double-glasses wearers go when they die.

 

-Mike Joyce

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