Eating Off The Floor And 6 Other Traits I Proudly Passed On To My Daughter

Posted on February 20, 2017 by Admin

Each one of us has about 20,000 protein-coding genes and the composition of these genes is what defines us as individuals. They are passed down to us by our parents and our parents’ parents and our parents’ parents’ parents and this is why my farts smell exactly like my father’s (Don’t fact check me on this one, Neil deGrasse Tyson).

I’m something of an amateur scientist so I urinated some blood and went ahead and mapped out all 20-some odd thousand of my genes to select the top genetic traits that I’ve passed on to my child.

The Ability To Sleep Through A Fire Alarm

Daddy likes his late night grilled cheeses and professional chefs and I both know that the secret to a top-notch grilled cheese is, it’s cooked to perfection when the smoke detector goes off…

A Message to Andre 3000 (Please drop a new album)

Posted on February 7, 2017 by Admin

Times are tough right now & what the American people really need is a new album from Andre 3000. If you know Andre 3000, please forward this to him I think Brian Mitchell & I put together a very compelling argument.

You Should Be Freaking Out – Advice for 1st Time Fathers

Posted on January 10, 2017 by Admin

Congratulations, you’re gonna be a daddy. Now is the perfect time to panic…

Photo: Jenni Walkowiak

And that’s when it hits you: You’re freaking out.

Good. You should be. It means you care.

If I ever met a first time father-to-be who was steady-handed I’d be so suspicious I’d have to ask, “You’re about to have triplets, how are you not freaking out?”

“Well it’s because tomorrow, I’m, leaving forever.”

Read the rest of my article about first time fatherhood freak-outs on fatherly.com >>

Hold Up (The Remix)

Posted on October 3, 2016 by Admin

I wrote a drinking-themed song parody for The Happiest Hour, a fun game show run by Maria Wojciechowski. I’m proud to present my remix of Beyonce’s Hold Up (It’s about pooping at bars).

I had so much fun last night. Thank you to @bronwomb, @notmikejoyce, @turbohater and everyone else who came out to Happiest Hour!!

A video posted by Maria Wojciechowski (@riawojo) on Oct 1, 2016 at 7:59am PDT