Monologue Yuks

Here are some of my favorite monologue jokes I wrote for a writing packet. Do you like topical jokes from six months ago? You do? Great! Enjoy!

  • Federal agents in Mexico disarmed over 1,200 police officers accused of gang ties to local cartels. Authorities said they first became suspicious at the annual Police Ball, when all 1,200 cops started doing the Crip Walk.
  • This year, for the first time ever, the Westminster Dog Show will allow mixed breed canine competitors. When asked why, organizers stated that “The people demanded it; just look at the decreased popularity of Dog Incest Magazine.”
  • Oil-rich Venezuela announced plans to stop subsidizing gasoline for its citizens. Prices at the pump are expected to rise from 6 cents to a whopping 17 cents a gallon. Financial analysts predict this could cause the loss of over 5,000 jobs in the Venezuelan Monster Truck industry.
  • In response to the latest internet craze, students at a Rhode Island school were warned that crushing up and snorting Smarties candy may cause maggot infestations in their nostrils. See kids, this is why you always ingest Smarties candies rectally.
  • Crowds gathered before dawn at the National Zoo in anticipation of seeing Panda Cub Bao Bao for the first time. The 5-month-old bear slept through much of her debut, making it the most do-nothing debut in Washington D.C. since the start of the 113th Congress.
  • A Colorado airport is providing “amnesty” boxes for travelers who need to ditch their pot before boarding out of state flights. Officials say they’re going to take the unwanted marijuana donations and use it to open the world’s most popular second hand store.
  • A recent study concluded that watching MTV’s 16 and Pregnant leads to a 5.7% reduction in teen births. Here’s hoping a study is released proving that watching Jersey Shore reduces the number of tanned muscular guys who want to be DJ’s.
  • A home for sale in northeastern Pennsylvania is being advertised as “slightly haunted.” The house is haunted Monday through Thursday but on the weekends the evil ghost children haunt with their dad.
  • Residents in Florida are collecting petition signatures in order to become the first southern state to approve the use of medical marijuana. One Floridian said that she signed the petition so that, “maybe now we’ll get the grand kids to come visit.”
  • China Mobile, China’s largest wireless provider, is set to begin selling Apple’s iPhone to millions of customers nationwide. Experts are forecasting an additional 170 million people will now be stuck on level 33 of candy crush.
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