Drinking with coworkers: An (ab)users

Planning on having a couple cold ones with the men and women who toil beside you in cubicle-shaped trenches?

Good for you! Nothing numbs the brain to the monotonous toil of modern American work life like a frothy libation.

But beware – too many of those tasty bevs could land you in hot water.

Follow these tips to successfully drink your way to oblivion!

1.) Know your surroundings

Are you imbibing at the office, the local Chili’s or a BYOB strip club? Is the boss around? These factors will greatly dictate your behavior. The general rule is, the closer your proximity to the office and the boss, the more you should tone it down.

If you’re at the office and sipping whiskey from a paper cup, loosen that tie and kick back – but not too much. While you remain within the confines of the building you must keep some measure of decorum and adhere to the moral norms society has dictated. Keep the partying levels around 25% of your total rollicking capacity.

On the other end of the spectrum, let’s say you’re helping your boss vomit out a car window while speeding down the highway on your way to Mexico. Don’t just loosen your tie, wrap that cravat round your noggin and really let ‘er rip! There’s no better team building then getting soused with coworkers, arrested in the city formerly known as Tenochtitlan, and needing a border coyote to illegally guide you back to U.S. soil. Also be sure to snap a few photos so you have leverage next time you’re negotiating a raise.

2.) Know how much to drink

Now that you’ve gauged the surroundings it’s time to interact with your coworkers, who are social misfits God never intended to bring together. Todd chews too loud, Jenny is a bore; you don’t remember that one guy’s name only that he plays bass guitar. This will be awkward as hell, right? Wrong – alcohol is here to save the day!

The drunker you become the less awkward the work function; however, there is a limit. When you’ve got a healthy buzz going (between 2-5 drinks depending on weight, tolerance and food consumption) congratulate yourself, for you have reached the minimal awkwardness level (see chart).

drunk v awkward

Stay vigilant though, because lurking just after that sweet spot is the path back to maximum awkwardness of the sloppiest proportions. Get too inebriated and you’ll be labeled the office drunk and placed atop the naughty list on the next round of downsizing. Red flags that you’re too drunk and are returning to ultimate awkwardness: slurring your words, spilling a drink, or relieving yourself in the CEO’s office.

There is one exception to getting too drunk. As you can see on the chart below there is a way to get blackout drunk with little to no consequences – get all your coworkers, and your boss if he or she is present, to get shit-canned alongside you.

drunk v awkward 2

Play the heavy-handed bartender, pour shots and instigate drinking games. Throw out the tray of hummus and pitas and any other alcohol-soaking foodstuff you see. Once the whole staff is inebriated, let your liquored-up reign of terror begin.

3.) The aftermath

Oh the hangover. You’re paying for the sins of the night before and the only thing that can make you feel better is the sweet release of death. After throwing up the burrito you worked so hard to eat the previous evening, you shower and limp your way out of the apartment hours late for work.

Here’s my #1 tip of all time. If you’re late, bring donuts (or edibles of equal or greater deliciousness). I have never once been called out for being late, even when hours tardy, when I stroll in with a box of donuts. And since your coworkers are also hungover, you’ll not only avoid a reprimand, you’ll receive a hero’s welcome like you’re returning home from a war you single-handedly won.

Monologue Yuks

Here are some of my favorite monologue jokes I wrote for a writing packet. Do you like topical jokes from six months ago? You do? Great! Enjoy!

  • Federal agents in Mexico disarmed over 1,200 police officers accused of gang ties to local cartels. Authorities said they first became suspicious at the annual Police Ball, when all 1,200 cops started doing the Crip Walk.
  • This year, for the first time ever, the Westminster Dog Show will allow mixed breed canine competitors. When asked why, organizers stated that “The people demanded it; just look at the increased popularity of Dog Incest Magazine.”
  • Oil-rich Venezuela announced plans to stop subsidizing gasoline for its citizens. Prices at the pump are expected to rise from 6 cents to a whopping 17 cents a gallon. Financial analysts predict this could cause the loss of over 5,000 jobs in the Venezuelan Monster Truck industry.
  • In response to the latest internet craze, students at a Rhode Island school were warned that crushing up and snorting Smarties candy may cause maggot infestations in their nostrils. See kids, this is why you always ingest Smarties candies rectally.
  • Crowds gathered before dawn at the National Zoo in anticipation of seeing Panda Cub Bao Bao for the first time. The 5-month-old bear slept through much of her debut, making it the most do-nothing debut in Washington D.C. since the start of the 113th Congress.
  • A Colorado airport is providing “amnesty” boxes for travelers who need to ditch their pot before boarding out of state flights. Officials say they’re going to take the unwanted marijuana donations and use it to open the world’s most popular second hand store.
  • A recent study concluded that watching MTV’s 16 and Pregnant leads to a 5.7% reduction in teen births. Here’s hoping a study is released proving that watching Jersey Shore reduces the number of tanned muscular guys who want to be DJ’s.
  • A home for sale in northeastern Pennsylvania is being advertised as “slightly haunted.” The house is haunted Monday through Thursday but on the weekends the evil ghost children haunt with their dad.
  • Residents in Florida are collecting petition signatures in order to become the first southern state to approve the use of medical marijuana. One Floridian said that she signed the petition so that, “maybe now we’ll get the grand kids to come visit.”
  • China Mobile, China’s largest wireless provider, is set to begin selling Apple’s iPhone to millions of customers nationwide. Experts are forecasting an additional 170 million people will now be stuck on level 33 of candy crush.

Keep your head up, but mostly down

I recently wrote this for the Comedy of Chicago blog:

I’ve been doing this a little while now but it seems like just yesterday I was being ignored at the Mix open mic by the stars of today. I’ve watched the Chicago comedy scene grow and flourish. I’ve been proud and I’ve been jealous and I’ve succeeded and failed and wondered why I do this and wondered how could anyone do anything else.

To me, there is no turning back because there isn’t any other option. For better or worse stand-up comedy is embedded in me like the ingrown hairs around my pubis. I don’t hate anyone who quits but I do not understand them. It’s all I want to do in life and I love everyone who loves it like I do, even you shitheads. Especially you shitheads. I wish I made more money doing it sure, but only to support my family, quit my day job and to better explain why I do it to my father.

I get booked some places, other places not so much. I don’t know what they think of me, I mean, I want their approval because getting people to like me is one of the sick reasons I perform. But in the end it doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to stop. Nothing will stop me except a bus or a bullet or a coronary (most likely a coronary). All I hope is that I record my album by then.

My advice to you, if I know anything at all, is to keep going. You may find early “success” and it may take you 20 years. Work hard. Don’t quit. Write more. Perform more. Hug a hater. Keep your head up. Keep your head down. And enjoy it, because it’s the greatest goddamn thing I’ve ever experienced.

Celebration Savings Surplus Forces Premature Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade

I wrote an article for the The Whiskey Journal:


Celebration Savings Surplus Forces Premature Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade

Cleveland, Ohio – City officials announced today that a Super Bowl champions parade will be held for the Cleveland Browns on November 15th, 2012.  Cleveland’s director of finance Sharon Dumas explains, “The city of Cleveland has been putting aside funds for a championship celebration every year since 1964.  After 48 years the money set aside plus interest has come to total well over a million dollars and the city council approached me citing a clause that if we didn’t spend the money on some sort of spectacle this cash would be reallocated to city schools.  That’s when I approached the mayor about this sizable nest egg and we came up with the idea for a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl champion’s parade.”

Mayor Frank Jackson publicized the event during a press conference as he proclaimed, “We all remember The Drive, The Shot, The Decision, losing two World Series one of which was when we were two outs away from victory.  We’re starting a new winning tradition here in Cleveland on November 15th, with our Super Bowl champion’s parade.”  When questioned on how the mayor’s office chose which sports team would be the focus of the gala he explained, “The Browns have already won two whole games this season, making them the most deserving and successful Cleveland sports franchise.”

The parade will begin at 11a.m. in the Playhouse Square district as the procession will make its way through Public Square, past the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and end at the gates of Cleveland Browns Stadium.  There the Browns players, fans and celebrity guests will congregate to celebrate their virtual victory and be presented with a holographic Vince Lombardi Trophy presented by none other than holographic Tupac Shakur.

New Brown’s owner Jimmy Haslam is looking forward to the event citing, “It’ll get our players excited to win and to strive to hold the real Vince Lombardi Trophy presented by the real Tupac Shakur.”

Clevelanders are already gearing up for the upcoming hullabaloo.  99-year old Beatrice McGinty says she, “Can barely keep my soup down I’m so eager.  I always thought a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl parade would be celebrated atop my grave.”  Young residents are also enthusiastic, with 24-year old Bill Moreland adding, “Well, I am curious to see what a championship celebration looks like.”

Attendees of the Cleveland Browns Super Bowl champion’s parade are urged to dress warmly and to enjoy it, because it may not happen again.


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